What Kind of daughter am I ???

May 13, 2012

Mother’s day was not great this year. Everyone in our immediate family came to have dinner with mom at her house. They paid more attention to whatever sports was on tv rather than my mom who was just sitting in the midst with no one talking to her. She couldn’t eat due to the cancer so she just watched everyone else eat. Where was I? Sitting in the back bedroom bawling my eyes out. As sad as I felt for my mom, I just couldn’t get myself together enough to go out there with everyone without falling apart. I knew this was my last mother’s day with mom but I just couldn’t stop thinking about my husband leaving me. What kind of daughter am I? What could I do?

What does divorce look like?  I never wanted to know but it did show up in my life one day...I never knew such pain like this.

May 2, 2012

I am done!!!! Done with you, done with them, done!!! My husband’s text to this day is burned in my brain because with those typed words my breath…and my lifeforce…seemed to leave with one gust. My chest hurt, my stomach knotted, my breath became so very labored…suddenly there was no sound other than those words ringing in my mind and I spiraled into what seemed like an endless pit of darkness and pain. I don’t even know how I drove home. Places and people were a blurr as I passed by. I was operating in "duty" mode as I had to go home to give my mother her medicine and to continue looking for resources for her hospice care.  My husband wants a divorce? How could he want a divorce? I have been so devoted and selfless towards him. He doesn’t want me? Suddenly the confidence I had in my own self worth was shattered for the person I loved and trusted the most had just cast me off like dirty dishwater.